


Company of Fools

by SusieBeeca



Series: Gems With Disabilities [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ableism, Abuse, Computer coding, F/F, Gaslighting, Gen, Illustrations, Implied Sexual Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Past Pearl, Pearl being salty, Pink Diamond is a brat, Schizophrenia, Slavery, chipped gem theory, court jester, horrible horrible puns, illustrated fanfic, puns, young pearl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 22:19:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13820610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusieBeeca/pseuds/SusieBeeca
Summary: A newborn Pearl meets the Mad Jester of Pink Diamond's court, and discovers a terrible secret just behind the scenes.Companion piece and pseudo-sequel:Quicksilver





	Company of Fools

 

 

“Are you excited to meet her?”

Pearl tried not to let her voice waver, her eyes focused forward. “Yes, my Diamond.”

The easy chuckle from above her was probably meant to be reassuring, but her Mistress was not often openly amused. “I’m sure she will be very happy to meet you as well.”

“Of course, my Diamond.” Her hands were clasped tight to her chest; although it was the position she’d been instructed to hold, she was clutching them a little tighter than normal. This new outfit didn’t quite sit right, with not enough fabric below her waist and far too much above. Her forearms kept her chest from bouncing around too much, but it also helped to keep her from fidgeting with the scrap of a skirt that kept seeming to ride up. Why a Diamond who liked cloaking herself almost head-to-toe wanted her Pearl to look like a by-the-hour Taaffeite was beyond her, but it was not her place to question.

_But you do it anyway, don’t you?_

Her jaw tensed and her teeth touched. No. No, she didn’t question. The _bad things_ in her mind might prick at her, but they didn’t count, not if she kept stamping them out like little fires every time they came alight.

“Here we are.”

Pearl glanced from the ornate carpet to the even more elaborate--- _gaudy, even_ \---doors to the Pink Diamond throne room. To her surprise, there was no control panel to open them---a strange oversight---but there were two hefty quartzes in place to do so manually. Pearl kept close by her Mistress’ side, kept her focus on the pale robes shifting by her feet, and tried to ignore the snicker she swore she heard under the breath of the taller guard as she passed by.

_They can tell you’re an imposter. They can tell you don’t belong._

Pearl bit on her whimper. She didn’t have time to snuff that one out---she had a duty to perform.

Rising to the tips of her toes, Pearl gracefully tucked her chin against her neck and took the hem of her frock in a delicate pinch; although her eyes were lowered, she could tell that some of the quartzes present were flashing her appreciative looks when she lifted her skirts in a curtsy. “T-the great, luminous White Diamond,” she said quietly.

She was ready for the silken whisper of her Mistress’ footfalls behind her, but the outright _squeal_ that rang in echoing reverberations off the walls blew her right off pointe. Just before White Diamond gave her permission, she lifted her gaze from her own feet and caught her very first glimpse of the final piece of the Diamond Authority’s long-unfinished puzzle.

She didn’t have to look very high.

Her first impression of Pink Diamond felt like an awkward stumble inside her own mind. While _‘florid’_ and _‘cherubic’_ popped up quickly, under the layers of pre-programming, Pearl could feel something else bubbling up. It wasn’t until she saw that Pink had to be helped off her own throne that a dark spot clouded her more charitable thoughts.

_Flawed._

With a swallow, Pearl stomped the thought back down, just like she’d practiced so many times before. She was forbidden to do what helped most---the even, counted, tip-tap of her fingers against her legs---but if she strained, she could keep the _bad things_ at the periphery of her mind. Knowing her Mistress wouldn’t mind a curious glance, she watched as Pink Diamond ran from under the canopy, across the hall, and right into White Diamond’s open arms.  
It was different by far than the interactions she’d seen between White and her other sisters; whereas her Mistress would meet Yellow with a handshake and Blue with a light brush of foreheads, she acknowledged Pink first with a pat on the cheek, and then she bowed down to plant an austere little kiss on her nose. “How are you, my dear?” she murmured as she wound a long arm around her back.

The kiss flushed her cheeks with delighted colour and she grabbed at the long, pale hand as it retreated from her shoulder. “I’m wonderful, White! And yourself?”

“The same, thank you.”

“Well?” Pink splayed her fingers upwards as she gestured to the newly-built atrium, the delight evident on her glowing face. “What do you think? The bismuths just packed up yesterday. Isn’t it lovely?”

While her Mistress was observing the architecture, Pearl risked a peek around the floor level. Pink Diamond was newly-crafted, almost as young as Pearl herself, and it was fairly obvious that this court had been quickly thrown together. She had no Pearl. The dissimilar hairstyles on her guards suggested they’d been the odds and ends from different Kindergartens, and even the gauzy draperies over her Sapphire’s gem couldn’t hide the fact that she was actually a Verneuil*. But what caught Pearl’s attention and piqued her curiosity the most was a strange-looking Agate perched on the dais so casually it was almost offensive.

Pearl squinted at her with a creeping worry. Something was wrong with her, definitely more than just a little ‘off’. She had all the right curves, but… not necessarily in the right places. Her outfit looked like it was chosen as a sick joke, a mish-mash jumble of different colours with bells hanging from a skirt that sat far higher than decency would allow; the hair that should have been scraped back into buns was just as unruly, floating in fuzzy tangles around her head. Her posture was all wrong, to boot---she lacked the severity of an effective Agate, and she had a smirk that should have been smacked off her face the first day of training. Pearl felt something sink inside her when she realized, with sympathy, that she’d probably be the first to go once Pink was appointed a proper court. It wasn’t until Pearl’s pitying gaze wandered back up to her face that the Agate’s smile widened, and---stars above---she winked.

Pearl flushed furiously and looked away. A wink! She couldn’t believe an upper-crust would do something so sordid!

“Quite a nice overall structure,” her Mistress noted as she lightly rapped her knuckles on the translucent walls. “I daresay this style will catch on in the new Era…”  
Pink caught the hesitation, and wasn’t about to let it go. “But?”

“Is there a reason it’s so abysmally dark in here?”

Pink scoffed and tossed her ringlets back over her shoulder. “Don’t be ridiculous! The lights are fine.”

“You’re barely casting a shadow,” she replied placidly.

A specter of doubt crossed her face, but she frowned it away before it could take hold. “It’s bright as a solar flare in here!”

“Thank the stars you haven’t seen one,” White said under her breath, and Pearl bit her lip when she realized it was probably only intended for her ears. Then, at normal pitch: “I am not finding fault with you, my dear, merely those who constructed---or have been maintaining---the edifice.”

“There’s nothing wrong! I checked myself!”

Her lower lip was starting to bloom out, smudging her lipstick, so White tried a more genial approach. “If you’re looking to create ambiance, may I suggest some accent lights, instead of this dreary gloom?”

“Ah! Don’t you _trust_ me?!” Thinning her lips, Pink swiveled her head around and barked at her court: “Tell me---is it bright in here?”

The ‘clack’ of dozens of heels snapping together echoed off the crystalline walls. _“Yes, my Diamond!”_ all her gems-in-waiting chanted in near-perfect unison, and Pink flashed White a haughty smile. “See?”

White met her gaze for a long, wintry moment, and then looked down at the shivering gem at her ankle. “Pearl?”

She stood up straighter, even though it pulled at her ill-fitted shoulder straps. “Y-yes, my D-Diamond?”

“Do you think it’s bright in here, or is my colleague mistaken?”

She went so cold, but managed to keep her form still, even though inside her forehead, her gem was palpitating with fear. How could she respond? She’d been coached to always agree with her Diamond, unless she was fishing for polite dissent; the distinction was delicate and nuanced, something reserved for only the finest Pearls. But this? This was something entirely new and terrifying. If she went with her instincts and agreed with her Mistress, she’d look foolish (and thus disposable) in front of a whole court who vocalized a different opinion---not to mention running the enormous risk of getting on Pink Diamond’s bad side. But the other option was unthinkable.

So instead of taking a side, she removed herself from the argument altogether. “I would love to answer, my Diamond, but I-I’m afraid my eyesight is merely that of an inferior gem. I do not have the clarity of a Diamond.”

To her great relief, her Mistress chuckled and gave the back of her neck an affectionate bump with the ridge of her nail. “Clever Pearl,” she murmured.

 _So it WAS a test,_ she thought as she glanced through her bangs at Pink’s entourage. Apparently she wasn’t alone in doubting Pink’s senses; more than a handful of the Amethysts flanking the custom-sized throne had their gems aglow, albeit not enough to capture the monarch’s attention.

“The lighting in here is _fine_ , White,” Pink sniffed, “And besides---it’s _my_ throne room, and _I_ get to decide what I do with it! If I wanted someone to micro-manage me, I’d get Yellow!”

“Mm-hm. I’m sure she’d have quite a bit to say about how you’re running things,” White said with an edge in her voice.

The sniveling look on her face was the only indication Pink had taken her words to heart, because her reaction was much more superficial. “Good! I’m glad! Why don’t you call her down here, then? I’d like to get an opinion from someone who isn’t all old and wizened!”

White gasped, and half of the guards in attendance looked like they were going to throw up.

The startled silence was broken when the Agate Pearl had been eyeing earlier jumped to her feet and let out a throaty laugh. “Oh, my great White Diamond, I hope you can _overlook_ that! Pinky here is a _little…_ ” She kicked her leg up at a scandalous angle, thigh nearly to her ribs, and then went dancing around the throne, making her bells jingle to the rhythm. “… _Short_ -tempered!”

The entire cavaedium was suddenly filled with the hooting, cheering, and clapping of the hangers-on, and Pearl felt as if she might faint.

When White bristled, the Agate flicked her full, bouncy curls back towards her leader and said with a jaunty grin “Hey, you’ve got to hand it to her... ‘Cause she sure as hell couldn’t reach it herself!”

The ground seemed to lurch under her feet, and for a long, horrible moment, Pearl wasn’t sure if she’d gone crazy, or---worse yet---if she was going to witness a gem being shattered right in front of her eyes.

The insanity explanation seemed to weigh out when, instead of flying into a justified rage, Pink Diamond simply rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively. “Yes, yes, that was very funny the first three thousand times.”

The Agate guffawed and curtsied so low as to be sarcastic. The whistles from the quartzes behind her suggested that their view was quite appreciated. “Sorry, my Diamond! Didn’t mean to take you _down a notch!_ ”

Pearl gulped the bile back down her throat when she felt her Mistress shift behind her, and a huge shadow fell over her when White lifted her hand, the billowy edges of her sleeve grazing Pearl’s hair. “You’re allowing this?”

“It’s all in good fun!”

“Pink,” she said firmly, “She is disrespecting you in front of your entire court. You know the protocols for that.”

“Oh, right. Of course.” Without deigning to look at her Agate, she snapped her fingers. “That’s enough, now. No more jokes about my height.”

Pulling a simpering pout, the Agate rose from her bow and dipped at the knee. “Why? Do they _go over your head?_ ”

White’s annoyed _tsk_ was hidden under the laughter that rippled throughout the Pink Court. Someone shouted “ _Hey, that’s a new one!”_ and Pearl actually staggered backwards, a trembling hand over her mouth. She’d gone mad. The _whole world_ had gone mad!

The cold sweat on her neck turned scalding hot the moment her back hit her Mistress’ shin, and she whipped around, her hands flying up in the Diamond Salute, choking and squeaking but never managing to eke out an actual apology. As the laughter died down around them, she accidentally glanced up at the wrong moment... and they locked eyes.

She froze on the spot, shaking under the scintillating glare of the looming figure above her. _Never, ever, EVER make direct eye contact with a Diamond._ It pounded in her head as she stared, desperate to turn away, but enraptured by every silvery facet she could see flashing and changing in the ancient irises.

She was going to die.

But… apparently the whole world _had_ gone mad, because her Mistress was the first to look away. The hand that came down on her wasn’t a blow, but a gentle cupping. As she carefully pulled her Pearl in closer to her robes, White turned her scolding gaze towards Pink and clicked her tongue. “Now look what you’ve done. You’ve upset my Pearl.”

Pink’s head tilted slightly and her brows rose, as if she had just become aware of Pearl’s presence. “Oh, is this a new one?”

“Yes. A temp, but if she proves herself worthy, I might not need to commission a new one.” The tip of White’s elegant finger came to rest on Pearl’s head and she patted her fondly. “What do you think of her?”

Pearl stood rigidly, keeping her eyes on a random spot on the far wall, when Pink leaned down---though not by much---to get a closer look, an expression of curiosity and mild disdain on her face. Though she was now making a concerted effort to avoid eye contact, Pearl could sense Pink’s gaze flickering over her form, and she had to curl her toes inside her slippers when she felt those bright eyes come to rest on her gem.

“She’s flawed.”

The eyes on her gem had been bad. The fingers were worse. An almost-imperceptible shiver crept between her shoulderblades when Pink reached down to grope, her manicured nails picking at the setting.

“Look at this, White! Is this really the one you want? She’s completely irregular!”

With a pained, patient sigh, White plucked Pink’s wrist and lifted her arm away. “Must you be like this? I chose her for her interesting appearance; I hear that’s quite trendy now. And the correct terminology is ‘oval’. She’s an ‘oval’ Pearl. She’s not baroque.”

“Well, if she ain’t baroque, don’t fix her!”

This time the court’s reaction was much more vocal, and Pearl almost allowed herself a smile until she heard her Mistress’ irritated huff. “Pink, control that Agate or I will control her _for you_.”

And immediately, there was silence again. White was well-known as the most peaceable of the volatile Diamond Authority, but when her timbre dropped and her voice came out like steel, there was no mistaking her mood. Pearl quickly darted her eyes away from the spot on the wall to give the court a quick once-over; every soldier was snapped to attention, every elite trying to blend into the background. Even the Agate had a look of worry frozen under her fake smile.

But Pink Diamond herself seemed unaffected. “Oh, don’t be silly,” she said with a titter as she meandered away from them, an easy gait in her steps, even though it was clear she wasn’t yet at home in stilettos. “You’re a fine one to talk about ‘trendy’, White, considering you don’t even know a new trend when you see one!” And then, with a snap of her fingers: “Fool---here.”

The Agate rose from her genuflection and tottered over towards her Diamond, her face light and glowing again. Once she was within reach, Pink paused for a moment to stroke her palm over the masses of iridescent curls, like she was petting a tamed beast. “You see, White? She’s my Fool.”

“Your… ‘Fool’,” White repeated, deadpan.

“Yes.” Raising her hand, Pink made an odd gesture with two uplifted fingers, and the Agate pirouetted in an obviously rehearsed trick. “My jester.”

White raised an eyebrow. “And what purpose does she serve?”

“She entertains me,” Pink retorted. “She entertains all of us.”

“A Pearl could do that without the back-talk.”

She pounded her jeweled heel against the floor. “I want to keep her, White, and that’s final!”

“No one said you couldn’t keep her, but I don’t think you understand the gravity of your undertaking.”

Pink balled her fingers into fists and jutted her chin out, leaning so far forward it looked like she was about to topple over. “But _Whiiiite..._ ”

The pout, the petulance, and the beginning of a whine---they all grated on Pearl’s nerves, and for the first time, she actually felt embarrassed on someone else’s behalf. It was behavior unbecoming of a Diamond, and yet… it seemed to have an effect on her Mistress. With an aggrieved mutter, White pressed her forefinger and thumb to her temple, nodding for her colleague to continue.

Satisfied, and more than a little smug, Pink settled back on her heels and dug her fingers right back into the Agate’s hair. “Well, as I was saying… I think it could become quite fashionable to have one in every court. Who knows? Give it some time, and maybe even Sapphires and Emeralds will want them!” She bounced on the balls of her feet, eyes gleaming, as she continued to pat the Agate’s head. “Think of the possibilities! The economic boom! All we have to do is make more like her---”

A look of panic cracked through the jester’s mask.

Neither Diamond seemed to have noticed, though---Pink was too preoccupied with her spiel, and White seemed unwilling to spare the Fool more than a cursory glance. “We have plenty of Agates already. What makes her so special?”

Pink’s little nose crinkled up as she giggled. “I thought you’d never ask! Look at this.” She reached down, but the Agate had predicted what would be asked of her, so she lifted her chin to give White a better view of her gem. It didn’t stop Pink from squishing her face between her hands, however. “See that? She’s chipped!”

Slowly, gracefully, White closed her eyes. “You scoff at an oval Pearl, and then you get yourself a gem with a chip?”

“You’re missing the point entirely!”

Pearl winced, but her training kept her from turning her head away; this was second time in five minutes she was mortified on Pink’s behalf. The tiny Diamond was trying to imitate White’s patented long-suffering mien, but without the millennia of wisdom behind it, Pink just looked like an Amethyst who got her dick stuck in her uniform.

“Then enlighten me. Please.”

“Look.” She grabbed her Fool and swept her up in a bridal carry, seemingly forgetting she was wearing a short skirt, and held the squirming gem tight to her chest like she was claiming a prize. “When she got chipped, she went mad! I was going to dispose of her, but she’s just so funny. All we have to do is start chipping other irregular gems, and we’ll have enough jesters to go around!”

“You…” With an annoyed flick of her hand, White signaled for Pink to put her down, and she did so reluctantly. As the blushing jester was readjusting her hemline, White finished her thought: “You simply do not understand how chips alter gems, my dear. A chip isn’t guaranteed to have the same effect on anyone else.”

Pink pulled her lower lip into her mouth, dimpling her chin. “Well, how _else_ can we make jesters, then? We can’t just _drive_ someone crazy!”

Rolling her eyes up towards her leader, the Agate twisted her head at a seemingly-impossible angle and grinned, all soupy and false. “If anyone can do it, my Diamond, it’s you!”

Pink snapped her head around with a huff, but the rest of her followers laughed when they all saw the smile peeking out from behind White’s delicate shroud. “That’s one I happen to agree with.”

The look of antipathy faded from Pink’s features and she quickly righted her back, her eyes bright and sparkling again. “You see? I can’t remember the last time a gem-in-waiting made you smile like that!”

“Mm. I’m still not convinced.” Taking a knee, she lowered her head to the jester’s face; after examining her gem for a minute, she pointed at her and drew her finger in a circle. Dutifully, the Agate turned three hundred and sixty degrees, slow enough that White could assess her form. Pearl watched her closely as she measured the height of her heels and the shape of her inclusions, and blushed when White used her knuckle to test the little paunch she had hanging over the top of her skirt. The Fool just kept her face plastered with a smile, even as a finger the size of her entire body went between her legs to judge what she had hidden there.

Finally satisfied with her appraisal, White turned to Pink and said “While she is suitable as an oddity---a curio, if you will---I still have some concerns. You mentioned she ‘went mad’---”

“Yes! Even when she’s not telling jokes---”

“At your expense.”

Ignoring the interjection, she continued. “She’s just a scream to have around! She talks to herself, she sees things that aren’t there, she blurts out every silly thing she gets in her little head---oh! And she believes the wildest things! She _actually_ thinks there are gems out to kill me!”

White fixed her frosty gaze on the Agate. “Oh?”

Her exaggerated shrug drew attention away from the tightness in her eyes. “Only a Fool would believe something like that, my Diamond. I’m not crazy enough to actually _do_ it.”

That seemed to appease the elder Diamond, and she again took to her full height, her robes flowing impeccably down her form without kink or wrinkle. “Do you think you’re sending the wrong message by keeping her? Some may see it as a Diamond condoning imperfection. What’s next, off-colours running wild in the streets?”

Pink smirked. “Be careful, White. You might trip and fall down that slippery slope.”

White merely tutted at that, and Pearl silently thanked her for her magnanimity. “This is an issue we’ll have to discuss at some length, preferably at the next Council. In the meantime, do try to teach that…” She eyed the jester reproachfully as she searched for the right word. “…That _buffoon_ some manners. I may be patient, my dear, but Yellow Diamond does not take kindly to gems who ‘blurt things out’.”

With a loud clap of her hands, White drew the attention all the lesser gems present, making them jump into place with a flash of the Diamond salute. “That will be all. Soldiers, at ease. Everyone else back to your duties.”

Under the quiet shuffling noises of the courtiers scurrying away, Pearl hid her forced cough in her fist; although she was watching the jester as the curled her body away from her Diamond, a quiet _“Ahem”_ from far above her drew her attention in an instant. “Y-yes, my Diamond?”

“My colleague and I will be talking about restricted matters,” White said serenely as she gave her the smile that always sent a billow of relief down Pearl’s stiff, aching spine. “For the next quarter-quadrant, you’re free to do as you want so long as you stay within the bounds of the palace. But first…”

And all the rigidity came clicking back in, inch by painful inch.

“…Do see if you can’t figure out the lighting problem, hm?”

Knowing she wasn’t allowed to fully close her eyes with a superior present, Pearl merely lowered her lids and stared down at her clenched elbows. “Yes, my Diamond.”

~

The control room was even darker than Pink Diamond’s main chambers, and Pearl had to mindfully dilate her pupils to be able to see where she was going; gem-glowing wasn’t beyond her capabilities, but it was considered vulgar for a Pearl to do so outside of direct orders. The farther she walked across the dirtied floor, however, the more grateful she became that she couldn’t see every detail. Something about the whole space unnerved her, from the closeness of it all, to the deliberate darkness, and even down to the notches carved into the tiles. They looked intentional, and if she didn’t know better, she’d say they held some sort of meaning…

Her fingertips were inches away from the console when a creaking from behind her made her jump. With a cry, she whirled around and clapped her hands over her mouth.

“Hello, little Pearl-i-gig,” the silhouette in the doorway said with a smile in her voice.

“I’m sorry!” she blurted, her fingers splaying out to keep from muffling her words. “I didn’t mean---I was just following orders---”

As soon as the figure’s foot fell into the pool of dim light, her identity was clear. That motley was hard to miss. “Oh, don’t you worry, pretty Pearl!” the jester said lightly as she strolled her way across the tiles. Her odd, bobbing gait made it seem like she was stepping on them in a specific order. “I’ve just come to make sure you don’t bugger anything up.”

Her hands drifted from her mouth, but didn’t know where to rest. “’Bugger’ anything…?”

“Yes.” All at once her face changed---quick as a thunderclap, the merriment was gone, replaced with a somber, stern scowl. “I’ve inscribed the tiles with protective sigils, pretty Pearl. If you step on them in the wrong order, you may awaken the demons.”

“D…demons?”

“Oh my, yes. Horrible, wretched demons.” And then she pointed. “Just like the one standing right behind you.”

She let out a feeble squeak and jumped, staring at the yawning darkness behind her. Even though she knew she wouldn’t see anything--- _at least, she was fairly certain she knew_ \---the fear didn’t abate much when she turned back around, wondering what this could mean, wondering if this was worse.

“Oh…” The Fool’s eyes widened, mournful and embarrassed, as she reached up to finger the chip in her gem. “You… you can’t see her…?”

Solemnly, Pearl shook her head ‘no’. The fear was turning to pity. Pink Diamond really hadn’t been kidding! The poor thing truly was mad, irredeemably unglued. How she even managed to function was beyond---

And then the Fool burst out laughing so hard she nearly doubled over, tottering back and forth as she rocked on her heels. “BWAHAHA! I’m just fuckin’ with you!” Squeezing her belly with one arm, she wiped away a tear with her free hand and bared her crooked teeth in the friendliest grin Pearl had seen yet. “Hoo-ee, the look on your face…! Priceless, priceless!”

Pearl sucked her teeth and scowled, mortified she’d been had so easily. “That wasn’t very nice,” she muttered.

“Meant nothing by it, love,” she said as she bobbed her shoulders and sauntered closer; there was still a glint of mischief on her face, but no malice. Now that they were out of the Diamonds’ earshot, the Fool’s cadence had gone from smooth to all rumpled, like a rug caught underfoot. “Jumpy wee thing, aren’t you? I thought you were going to crack your nacre out there when I started ripping in to Pinky!”

“ _Pink Diamond,_ ” Pearl corrected stiffly. “And I had every right to be afraid. A-and not just on your behalf either!” The jester was ambling around her in a circle, and Pearl quickly turned to follow her. She was pretty damn sure she didn’t want this deranged gem out of her sight for more than a second. “Who knows what could happen if a Diamond loses her temper? She could take it out on anyone!”

“She’s her own worst enemy, love…” Her up-and-down gavotte kicked her bells into a higher note. “Or _is_ she?”

Pearl’s elbows tightened to her waist; while anger was unseemly on a Pearl, they were allowed it from time to time, if it could be justified. “Stop it! Stop that right now!”

“Stop what?”

“Stop…” She was too young, too fresh to have the words to articulate the feelings in her core, but she wanted to convey how much she resented the conspiratory look on the jester’s face. “I don’t know what you have in mind, you… you _clown_ , but I want nothing to do with it!”

She blew her a kiss. “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it, Pearl-i-gig.”

“Argh!” Her cheeks heated and she clamped her small hands into fists. “You’re an Agate, so act like it!”

How odd… her smile faded a bit, but that only made it more genuine. “No ‘Agate’, love. It’s just Crazy Lace.”

“C…Crazy Lace,” Pearl repeated, trying to hide her confusion with a lick of disdain.

“Aye, that’s what my friends call me.”

A sudden and somewhat startling glint of resentment shot up inside her. “Oh, really? Your… ‘friends’ call you that?” she said snidely.

“Aye, friends! A whole bunch of ‘em! Too many to name! And then…” She poked a finger into Pearl’s belly, and laughed when she jumped back with an indignant squawk. “…There’s you.” With a wink, she added “And I’m pretty sure you’re real.”

“I…” She wasn’t sure how to react. Nothing in her training had prepared her for this. It was all Listen to the instruction; Follow the instruction. Curtsy when approached; Salute when dismissed. Stimulus; Response. Nothing about interaction, let alone communication. She knew how to handle an explosive Ruby or a handsy Amethyst, but an Agate even more cracked than her whip was just… bizarre.

No, it was dangerous. Agates could get away with much more than Pearls, but she knew from experience that treacherous concepts like friendship were nipped in the bud before they could fester and crumble the very foundations the Diamond Authority stood upon.

And her back went rigid when she realized what had just crossed her mind. She’d actually considered, _seriously_ considered for more than a split-second, the fact that the Diamonds might not be infallible! _Where had that come from?!_

Crazy Lace snickered and nudged her with her elbow. “Looks like you’ve got some wheels turning up there, love. Better get along with your duties before I start rubbing off on you!”

“That’s what I was trying to do,” she snipped, but couldn’t help the shiver that prickled at her arms when she scurried towards the console. Insanity wasn’t contagious, she reassured herself.

_Otherwise, White Diamond would have succumbed long ago…_

She hoped Crazy Lace wouldn’t notice the way she suddenly jumped. These nasty, alien thoughts had been vexing her for awhile now, and the only way to quiet them was to drum her fingers against her thighs, as subtly as she could, and repeat to herself _Thoughts are not actions. Thoughts are harmless. Thoughts are not actions…_

She reached out to brush the dust from the monitor, but was surprised to see there wasn’t any. The screen blipped under her touch, beeping out a warning, but she knew how to get past the first firewall---the password was the usual C12H22O11. She was aware of Crazy Lace lingering behind her, but she paid her no mind as she started to work her way into the system. It wasn’t until she was several roots deep that the worry began creeping back up her neck.

“What is it, Pearl-i-gig?”

She didn’t answer. Right there under her fingers were the stats for the ambient light above Pink Diamond’s throne; several pop-up boxes surrounded the main window, each one corresponding to a different set of lights. They were all correct... and yet, they weren’t.

“This… doesn’t… make sense,” she murmured, more to herself than anything, as she checked, then double-checked the settings.

“Where’s the fun in making sense?”

Pearl ignored both the jester and the strumming of anxiety building in her gut. Lowering the lights would worsen the problem, of course, but every time she tried to push them past the highest threshold the screen would flash an error message. “Something’s off here. The readouts say the lights are at one hundred percent, but that doesn’t account for how dark it was in there… or…”

“Or why Pinky still swears up and down that it’s bright?”

Pearl looked at her sharply. Crazy Lace was still rocking back and forth, still smiling, but no longer was it the practiced smile of a performing courtesan. It was the smile of a gem with a secret. Slowly, Pearl turned back to the screen; even though she wasn’t exactly sure what she was looking for, she found it almost without a second glance.

Hidden in plain sight were tiny bits of data, otherwise insignificant, that bumped the smooth code with irregularities. At unusual intervals came the same hexadecimal, over and over---though Pearl wouldn’t be able to decipher it without plunging both hands deep into the system, she recognized it as a colour somewhere between pink and pale orange.

From behind her back, Pearl heard the clacking of stilettos and a surreptitious little giggle. She spun on her heel, her wide eyes flashing and her lips parted. Crazy Lace beamed, and her pale orange cheeks flushed with pink.

“You!” Pearl hissed, but that was the only word she could force out.

She pretended to look behind her and then turned back with a finger twisting up at her face. “Who, me?”

“Yes, you! You… you DID something!” She hesitated. “…Didn’t you?”

“Naw, love, I didn’t do a thing. BUT…”

The fractals of light that made up her form almost fissured out, but Pearl held still.

“Wouldn’t it be terrible… Hypothetically speaking, of course…” Crazy Lace began in her affected sing-song, “If the lights actually _were_ dimming…. Slowly, so slowly you’d never notice at first?” The bells on her motley laughed along with her as she twirled. “And wouldn’t it be _terrible_ if every little bootlicker in her court assured her that, _oh, no, my most perceptive of Diamonds,_ it was still bright? Imagine Pinky being _so_ worried about being _flawed_ that she’d go check the readouts herself…. only to find ‘one hundred percent’ glaring back at her every time.” She giggled, and Pearl took a wise step back. “Would she try to save face? Would she bury herself in denial? Would she start doubting her own senses, and just dive right in to the arms of paranoia? Could something as simple as dim lights completely destroy her reality?” She stopped her dance mid-stride and stared Pearl dead in the eye. “You know what’s ironic? Worrying you’re going crazy can actually make you go crazy! And wouldn’t… that… be…. _terrible?_ ”

Pearl’s hand fluttered to her mouth. “Y-you’re going to get yourself shattered,” she whispered.

Crazy Lace let out a mock gasp, a hand on her chest. “What, me? Didn’t you hear Her Royal Sanity?” She flipped both hands through her pigtails, sending the erratic snarls bouncing on her shoulders. But then her smile hardened and she once again got the ominous look on her face she’d used when talking about demons. “I’m just a _mad gem_ who’s fun to laugh at because I blurt out every silly thing that pops into my little head. I’m just a jester. A buffoon. A _clown._ ”

Her face went hot as her chest went cold. “I---I didn’t mean---I’m sure she didn’t mean it---”

“Ah, ah, ah…” Crazy Lace shushed her gently with a finger on her lip, and Pearl’s blush ran all the way to her gem. It was the first time in her short life that someone besides a Diamond had touched her bare skin. It wasn’t the groping of an appraisal or a condescending pat, either---she had no words for this kind of contact.

_Friendly?_

“Don’t start doubting yourself, love. It’ll drive you crazy.” She pulled her hand away, but to Pearl’s surprise, she simply moved it to her cheek, caressing her with her thumb. “You think I didn’t see your face twitching, your back arching? I know what that’s like. I know how it feels to have thoughts come jabbing intae yer mind like a dagger.”

Her accent was thickening along with the intimacy, and Pearl wanted to say ‘ _You do? You know what it’s like?’_ But what came out instead was “You have no idea what it’s like. I am not like you.”

“Naw?”

“No,” she snapped, but she didn’t push the hand away. “I am not _crazy._ ”

Crazy Lace gave her a wistful grin. “Crazy is relative, love. It depends on who has who locked in what cage.”

Pearl slapped her arm away and stepped back, not even caring when she bumped into the console. She was flustered, distressed, even, but if she pulled all her consciousness into a fine glint, she could pretend it was righteous anger. “How dare you,” she hissed. “I am not in a cage! Look at me! I am free to move about!”

The Agate’s eyes jumped from hers and up to the ceiling far beyond her. With a shocked noise, she clicked her janky body up into a pose more becoming of a true Agate, and she held a shaky salute to her chest. “Oh! M-my great White Diamond! I didn’t hear you come in!”

A scream tore from Pearl’s throat as she pivoted on the spot, hands up, only to face… nothing.

This time she was _steaming_ when she turned back around.

But instead of mockery or teasing, Crazy Lace just held her open palms up with a simple, helpless smile. “What free creature would react like that, eh?”

Closing the space between them—and nearly tripping over one of the notched tiles—Pearl leaned forward with her nose and tried to speak clearly through her clenched teeth. “I _am_ free. I’m free to follow the rules, and they help me be the best Pearl that I can be!” To prove the point that she was fairly certain was hers to begin with, she rose to the tips of her toes and performed a flawless version of the clumsy pirouette the Agate had done earlier. “You see? Rules make a dancer look elegant and effortless; without them, it’s anarchy. And I’ll be damned if I stand here and be lectured by some---some---”

“Fool?”

“Traitor,” she finished, though the way the word stuck in her throat surprised her. “You made a grave mistake in telling me about your shenanigans,” she went on with as much haughtiness as she could muster, making a point of staring down the bridge of her nose. “I have half a mind to go tell the Diamonds what you’ve done!”

Crazy Lace stuck out her bottom lip and blew a curl off her forehead. “Why not have a full mind?” Then she stepped aside and bowed with one hand outstretched. “Door’s that way, love.”

Pearl paused. She hadn’t expected her to actually call her bluff.

“Or…” she went on, lifting only her head from her bow, “Maybe you realize that fuckin’ with computer code is a bit more forgivable in a Diamond’s eyes than a Pearl who can’t keep the bad thoughts at bay?” When Pearl gasped, Crazy Lace righted her back and stared at her with a devious twinkle in her eye. “They already know I’m crazy. ‘Whoops, fucked up the coding because I just don’t know any better, tee hee!’ But you, my love…” She began to creep closer, fingers crooked and eyebrows waggling, and Pearl wasn’t sure if this was a tease or an actual attack. “One day, you’re going… to… _snap_.”

On the last word, she clapped both hands on Pearl’s cheeks and held her in place, but before she could scream Crazy Lace swept down, careful to dodge the sharp point of her nose, and placed a light kiss right on her lips. When she pulled back her face was flushed, and her eyes were full of a startling kind of sanity.

“And, oh, my love, what a day that will be.”

Pearl was too stunned to respond, so she just stood there, watching slack-jawed as the jester walked away, pivoting her hips back and forth with a lilting _‘ding-dong, ding-dong’_. She found her voice again by the time she got to the door, and called out “Y-you can’t be sure of that! You don’t know me, Crazy Lace!”

Leaning against the doorframe, she lit up her gem and sent a crooked halo of light into the room. “Well, it’s like I said, love… that’s what my friends call me.”

She waved goodbye, but left the door ajar behind her, almost like an invitation. Pearl drummed her fingers against her thighs, but felt a bit of relief when she felt the bad thoughts come this time.

Insanity wasn’t contagious. She knew that.

But maybe it really was relative.

 

 

_*The Verneuil process is a method of making synthetic sapphires._

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWRl52NlHQ4) fantastic song by Great Big Sea. Warning, though: the lyrics contain the "g*psy" slur.
> 
> Whew! After writing numerous stories with gems with disabilities (PTSD, conjoined twins, vision loss---both literal and metaphorical---autism, phobias, to name a few) I finally get to write a character who truly needs a check-up from the neck up! ....as well as Crazy Lace! :D
> 
> I hope I showed here that Pearl's OCD is just in its beginning stage, before it starts getting really bad. I was going to post here what Crazy Lace's actual psychiatric condition is, but I'm curious to see what you think she has ;)
> 
> Oh, I knew the leaks showed Pink Diamond with little puffy Oompa Loompa slippers, but I like picturing her tottering around on high heels. After awhile, though, she gave up.
> 
> There are more than a few references in here, so see if you can find them all. Crazy Lace quotes Ray Bradbury at one point. Fans of a certain video game with an evil female tyrant as the enemy might find the hidden room with messages scribbled on the wall to be familiar. Oh, and google the console's password to see what chemical structure it represents.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


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